Back to Top ← Back | Download 16.1 KB --------------------------------------------------------------------------- _____ _ _ _ _ _ _ ____ _____ ____ _ _ ___ issue |_ _| | | | | | | \ | | _ \| ____| _ \ | || | / _ \ #1 | | | |_| | | | | \| | | | | _| | |_) | | || || (_) | | | | _ | |_| | |\ | |_| | |___| _ < |__ _\__, | |_| |_| |_|\___/|_| \_|____/|_____|_| \_\ |_| /_/ txt edition --------------------------------------------------------------------------- A note from Editor Skunkape Thank for reading this cum rag of a zine. We've been working on this for over 2 years at this point and we decided to finally get this shit released. We have many many ideas about the possible future of THUNDER 49! Who knows what will come to fruition and what will die. I don't even know if we will be sticking with this title. We would love some feedback. Feel free to send me original art and literature as well. I can be reached at SkunkapeXLIX@gmail.com. Thinking of setting up an email subscription or maybe even doing some cool shit via snail mail. We have a site at thunder49.neocities.org that we may do some cool shit with as well. Any way that’s all I have to say for now, enjoy the rest of this zine. <>-<>-<>-<>-<>-<>-<>-<>-<>-<>-<>-<>-<>-<>-<>-<>-<>-<>-<>-<>-<>-<>-<>-<>-<> Sprechers By Average Joel SO I walk into this new local grocery shoppe called [REDACTED] and buy the regular list of groceries y'know? (All the Hot Pockets money can buy) But then I see something that catches my eye: a four pack of Preacher's brand Local Root Beer. I recognized the name because it had been recommended to me by my boy Skunkape.(see forward) Anyway I pick up the four pack, throw it in the cart and scram. It was weird because the parking lot had 3 police cruisers in it. No idea why. It wasn't even in a rough neighborhood. Anyway, I get home and I'm about to munch into some dinner when I take a swig of some good ol' Sprecher's brand root beer. I'm no root beer aficionado, but when it comes to knowing what tastes good to the Average Joel I'm you're man and let me tell ya this root beer was not as good as I thought it'd be. It just tastes kind of weird with like a woody after taste. Overall not something I'd buy again. That's when I take a closer look at the bottle and I realize, it isn't "local" root beer. It's LOW-CAL root beer! WHAT THE FUCK! So this is some kind of diet shit-soda with no calories. This revelation made my original opinions feel validated. Before I realized a diet soda I was somewhat holding back on my judgment. I would have wrote that Sprecher's "just wasn't for me". But now? Fuck Sprecher's lo-cal soda. Stick to the good stuff, because people who are on diets should not be drinking soda. I REPEAT, "IF YOU ARE ON A DIET WHY ARE YOU DRINKING SODA FUCKO? Dear Sprecher's and any other soda maker: there is a reason people on diets are an untapped market and it's because those people shouldn't be drinking soda. If you look up the exact definition of soda in the dictionary it's: (and I quote) "Tasty shit water that will eventually kill you." So please next time I just blindly toss a four pack of soda like some kind of dumb butthead please don't make me take a sip of it and realize that it tastes like some weird soap. DIET SODA DROOLS!!! --------------------------------------------------------------------------- ISIS by Slunk FUCKING SLIME BALLS. My goat has been GOT by these ISIS boys. I hate em! I see what they do in the world and I just want to yell at these little AK-47 waving wimps and say "CUT IT OUT!" Pissing me off. I work hard every day writing these shitty articles and not getting paid dick just so that these bullies can go around hurting people around the globe? Come on. OK. Hopefully Skunk Ape has stopped reading by now so I can share something that I really care about. 2015's "The Tribe" directed by Miroslav Slaboshpitsky. "The Tribe" is a Ukrainian film that takes place in a boarding school for the deaf. Since it is extremely new I must warn you all of spoilers. This film's gimmick is that there are no subtitles. Nothing. Even if you know American Sign Language you're still going to be lost as the students are communicating in Ukrainian sign language. The film isn't an easy watch, but it's helped along by stunning camerawork, wonderful performances, and an easy enough story line to follow. In this film we follow our main character Sergey as he settles into his new school. He is accepted into the so called "Tribe", a gang if students who steal from train goers, bully mentally handicapped students and even pimp out their (willing) classmates. The main focus of the story is of the two young prostitutes whom the tribe pimp out. They take the girls to a truck stop in the area and let the truckers pay to go for it with these young girls. Although we hear no dialogue in the film it cannot be considered a silent film because we still hear the world around the characters. We hear their exaggerated breathing, we hear their hands, we hear them fuck, and in one of the most revolting and spine chilling moments of the film, an underground abortion, takes full advantage of the screams of one of the young prostitutes. "The Tribe" is a film that makes you look away in horror with awful drawn out acts of depravity, then pulls you back in with beautiful visuals, as well as the fact that you cannot rely on the audio to tell the story. I give The Tribe a 3.5 out of 5. Go see it if you can. --------------------------------------------------------------------------- Sweet Ass-Salad by Slunk Ever think about sipping on something sweet like a lemonade or some bovril? Boy oh boy do I have a great little salad recipe for you! It goes great with a sweet lil drink. Step 1: Take your greens (lettuce, spinach, kalle, whatever you want) and go on and wipe your ass with them, go ahead no one is looking. Make sure you get each leaf deep in there, and wipe from back to front (anus to genitals). Step 2: Add whatever else you want. Step 3: Top with 3 cups of sugar, 4 wasabi peas, and a sliced beet. Step 4: Serve it up, DEEEEELISH! This salad is perfect for you. Look at yourself, go ahead and look at yourself right this second. Pull out a mirror, go to the mirror, or pull out that stupid fucking selfie toy you keep on your hip all day. Look at that hopeless human being and think to yourself that this person is not above eating shit, this person would LOVE to eat some shit, this person would HAPPILY SHOVEL SHIT INTO HIS/HER/XER/MER/FER/WHER/THEIR MOUTH. Ha-ha funny joke article, this guy is so ZANEY and funny but I want you to honestly go ahead and think this to yourself. “Am I above eating shit?” and the answer is no, if you are reading this article the answer is and always will be no. --------------------------------------------------------------------------- CRAZY NEW TWEEN FAD YOU WON’T BELIEVE YOUR EYES!!! by Dingus HAVE your kiddies been going through your cupboards a lot lately? Making up excuses to get medicine when they’re clearly not sick? Well you better put an end to their BULLSHIT and keep them out, because this latest tween trend is nothing to LOL (Laugh Out Loud) at. They call it “BUTT-CREAMING.” By applying an excessive amount of anti-itching cream to their disgusting anal cavities, they are essentially on a trip equivalent to smoking/eating/buttchugging a pound of marijuana. Some readers may be asking, “How is that even possible? Weed doesn't work like that!” Shut the fuck up. I talked to a scientist about it! Are you saying you are smarter than a scientist? I don’t think your fancy liberal arts degree makes you an expert on everything, Sharon! We interviewed a local teen, whose identity remains anonymous at their request, about their butt-creaming habits. “Yeah man,” says the teen, “Ijust picked up the tube one day-not because I have burning, itchy cysts in my rectum or anything-but because I just wanted to get turnt a.f. That shit is tight. Fucks you up kind of like when you actually smoke those sugar cigarettes that you can get at gas stations for like 35 cents.” The unnamed teen goes on to mention the adverse side-effects of butt-creaming. “Whenever you’re creamed as fuck, you’re just, like, a statue. The world around you doesn’t mean a thing, and you become one with the earth. It’s basically like your entire body becomes concrete or molasses or snail slime or something, and you’re just standing there like a fucking rock in the wind, man. Pretty heavy shit.” It has been proven by our scientific research team, lead by Dr. Kuntz, PhD., that excessive butt-creaming can lead to a semi-paralyzed state, much like you would experience with sleep paralysis.“ The anti-itch cream contains so many potent medical chemicals, such as mononuclioxide, nisonultimade, and aspartame, that the body doesn’t know how to process them all,” explains Kuntz. “The rectum is especially sensitive to these chemicals, so once they are absorbed into the soft, fleshy anal linings, they are immediately transferred to the bloodstream. This is why we must keep any and all ‘butt-creaming’ substances out of the hands of these rabble-rousers. ”Kuntz explains simple, yet effective methods of keeping your tween out of trouble. “Normally I would just suggest disposing of the kids themselves, as to nip the problem in the bud, so to speak, but apparently that is frowned upon. My medical expertise tells me that the only other solution is to lock up your child in a barred cage in the basement. Food, water, and sunlight are all problematic for butt-creamers, as they increase the rate at which the body absorbs the chemicals, so I advise against feeding them or keeping lights on. No matter how much they scream, don’t give in. They just want to get high. ”Next time your child mentions an itch to bitch, or goes into your cabinets for medicine, just remember: they are drug-obsessed monsters and deserve no sympathy. Only you, and a two-ton steel cage, can prevent them from becoming a hindrance to society. -----------<>------------ Dingus is a 18th Century Poetry major who works for table scraps as a journalist at Thunder49 and Buzzfeed. His past work details partiarchical hegemony and how every male is a natural-born, manspreading rapist. In his free time, Dingus watches independent German films, reads books by Claire Bishop, and attends local fetish meetups as a pass-around fucktoy. --------------------------------------------------------------------------- 6 Things Women in Saudi Arabia Can't or Won't Do by Average Joel • They can’t take a sweet summer road trip with your boy Chuck • Sit on the porch with your buds in the summer and just chill all day • Find your girl Suzie cheating on you with Chuck • Beat up Chuck till he poops• Reminisce about summers past • They can’t skate • Can’t celebrate Christmas • Can’t watch Curb Your Enthusiasm (made by Jew) • Can’t watch Seinfeld (also made by same Jew) • Can’t watch most Hollywood stuff (made by multiple Jews) • Can’t chug a Pabst• Can’t ride a bike • Can’t suck on a naked zombie • Can’t watch cool Youtube videos of a kid running over his brother in a toy car. • Can’t watch cool Youtube videos of a dad running over his kid in a real car • Can’t soak in the rays on a French beach I remember when Aamina Hajjar and I went bowling that sweet summer night. I kissed her and I felt her lips pressed against mine, separated by a thin layer of cloth. I asked her to show me her hair and she finally did. When her father found out that she had shown her hair to me he brought her back to Saudi and cut her head off. ~ Summer Love :^) ~ --------------------------------------------------------------------------- 2015: a Year in Review By Average Joel Pretty sure these are supposed to be made by the editor or you know someone else pretty high up but seeing as no one else has done it... 2015 was pretty alright. It was no 2006, but it was alright. --------------------------------------------------------------------------- 2016: a Year in Review By Average Joel 2016 was LITERALLY (not figuratively, literally) the worst year in existence. At no point in recorded human history has a scourge to humanity as bad as 2016 graced us with its presence. I hated 2016, and 2016 hated me. Let’s go over the pros and cons of this wretched year... Cons: • Donald "literally worse than Hitler" Trump beat out Hillary "not actually a criminal" Clinton • Some Celeberities I definitely cared about died. • Zika Virus? I don't know what that is, but it's bad. • The new mac books look hella gay Pros: • Bernie still has a chance --------------------------------------------------------------------------- DRUGS poetry by LNF As a kid Fightin was a drug to me Real fucked with dopamine So everyone an enemy Punch niggas out, turn teeth to a dusty peace Talking shit was never rewarded with free flee Beat down til you asleep Or I end up RIP'd Was the only way to calm me down Without I would just fuckin drown In voices sayin you ain't shit you'll never make it in this town And live unsuvvessful til you underground But fuck it,Hands chest level, only source of protect Leave next kid bloody, need a cotex Any other shit being flung at me , need to focus Bloody knuckles for these fucks, no emotion Talk more, punches get more potent The temper got a mind of it's own Might get out of control But theres only one way to slow its roll It's a slippery slope So don't climb it Cause ragin season a different climate Too intense to even make sense of it, so move or bleed more than a hymen Momma every week picking me by my ear Hearing my father’s reaction would bring me to fear Every day always brought to tears Black kid like me had look tough so I always peered to the mirror And thought why am I so mad Why are they so happy All I wanted was attention, why does everyone get the clappin As a kid I really didn't give a shit And violent when I was gettin pissed Cause no one ever gave a shit So now as an adult All I do is drink and smoke mid So that kid don't exist... --------------------------------------------------------------------- Thank you for taking the time to read our Zine. For more please visit our site at thunder49.neocities.org You can contact us via email at SkunkApeXLIX@gmail.com -SkunkApe </plaintext> </body> </html>